Random Thoughts and Memories
The past week has been a bit of a struggle in regards to sleep and writing. Each time I sit to write a new post here I am paralyzed by self judgement. The words flow freely but I analyze whether they're worthy. And that my friends is just a big ole mug of stupid. My life, though it be small is significant and worthy. Not everyone is meant to be an internet celebrity. We have become a society that places value on how many like or upvotes we get. I promised myself that this blog was not going to fall into that ocean of ridiculousness. I'm 59 years old and extremely happy with my life even if the journey to this happiness was fraught with stupid decisions. We all make stupid decisions. We all make mistakes. We just have to be human and honest enough to admit that we're flawed.
Hello, I'm flawed. Pleased to meet you.
It's 6:51 in the a.m. and the house is quiet. The 26 year old left for work an hour ago and hubby is enjoying his new wake-up time of 7:30. I was awake at 5:45 and rolled out of bed 15 minutes later. It's not my favorite time to wake up but I've been nocturnal for the last week. I'm just thankful that I went to bed at midnight and slept. My perfect sleep pattern is midnight to 8 in the morning. Sleeping from midnight to 5:30 is the first step in getting back on schedule.
Memories
Remembered walking home from high school as quickly as I could so that I could watch General Hospital with Mom each day. The two soap operas that I remembered Mom watching each day were One Life to Live and General Hospital.
Tastykake Lemon pies and my Dad. Tastykake Pies will always be synonymous with Dad. His favorites were blueberry and lemon. When the kids and I lived with my folks after the divorce, the boys always had me pick up a couple pies so that they could give them to their Grandpop. Each August since he passed in 2010 we "toast" Dad with a round of pies at our regular fam dinners.
Thoughts
I still find it hard to dredge up memories from the "dark ages". This is how I refer to the 14 years of my previous marriage. Aside from memories about the boys and me, the years from 1985 to 1999 are like I existed as a different person. There's me from 1962 until 1985, the me during the dark ages and who I am now. They year 1999 was pivotal because I left the marriage and didn't look back. The four years after that were particularly rocky but generally I've got great memories from 2002 until now. Finding love with the right guy has a lot to do with that.
We've been married for 17 of the 19 years we've been together and it's everything I ever wanted. Is it perfect? I think so. We argue maybe twice a year and don't give me the "couples need to argue " malarkey. When we argue it's because we can't seem to communicate our feelings about whatever the topic is at the time. Communication is key in our life. Since we met online the very foundation of our relationship is based on conversation. We talked and emailed for two years before ever becoming a couple. Then we spent another year as a long distance couple until he moved to the East Coast. Most relationships stem from a physical attraction. That's all good but you have to have something that fuels the relationship besides sex. Physical is only one part of it and in the scope of life it's a small part.
One of my daily thoughts is that I have everything I dreamed of having when I was a young girl. A loving husband that's also my best friend, three amazing sons, a wonderful daughter-in-law, a couple grandnuggets and 1784 sq. feet of mid-century brick rancher to call home. I live in the small town where I was raised and my kids all live within 3 miles of me. We get together regularly for family dinners, game nights, BBQs and summer days swimming in the pool. We yack daily in our family text group and catch up on the phone during the week. My middle son loves to call me on his drive home if my daughter-in-law is busy and can't talk to him.
Life is great and I recognize that everything I ever asked the Lord to give me has materialized. It didn't happen the way I thought it would but it happened.
As for the blog and over analyzing things. Pfft, I'm over that and will remind myself that I'm writing for me, not for likes or upvotes. While this life may be boring to the internet it's mine and I love it. I'm no different than the majority of folks waking up each day to their lives. We have to stop letting the internet we need to pose for selfies, or write blogs a certain away in order to make algorithms happy.
I was happy in the 60s and 70s when we had seven TV stations that we got thanks to a giant antenna on the roof.
Happy Hump Day.
