The Gray
It's the second day of March, and here in southern New Jersey the high temperature was 62°. The average temperatures for this month are normally around 50°F/31°F. It's just a continuation of an unusually warm Winter season. There are buds forming on the maple tree out front, and I fear our Magnolia tree will soon follow. If there's a cold snap, it will mean fewer blooms on the Magnolia tree. That might be a good thing because the fragrance isn't the most appealing.
The last week and a half of February was hard because my sleep schedule was out of whack. With the help of over-the-counter sleeping pills, I'm back to a regular pattern of sleep. Mix a bad sleep pattern with seasonal depression and you get a non-social and very moody person. I've dealt with depression since I was a teenager but didn't know that's what it was until a doctor gave me a diagnosis after my divorce in 1999. She prescribed Paxil and after a few months of taking the pill regularly, my gray became colorful. She asked me how I was feeling and I remember telling her it was like I woke up from decades of sleep.
In 2003 I stopped taking the antidepressants, with my doctor's approval, and have learned to manage it well. The seasonal depression is normal and most folks experience it during the long months of Winter. I know the difference between winter blues and sliding into the gray depths of depression. It helps that my marriage in 2004 to my best friend was a complete change from my previous marriage. Based on mutual trust and friendship, I have a partner in every aspect of life. It's everything I ever wanted. We often comment on how solid our relationship is considering how screwed up childhoods were. And we even got all three sons on solid ground.
It’s the second day of May, and here in southern New Jersey the high temperature was 62°. The average temperatures for this month are normally around 50°F/31°F. It’s just a continuation of an unusually warm Winter season. There are buds forming on the maple tree out front, and I fear our Magnolia tree will soon follow. If there’s a cold snap, it will mean fewer blooms on the Magnolia tree. That might be a good thing because the fragrance isn’t the most appealing.
The last week and a half of February was hard because my sleep schedule was out of whack. With the help of over-the-counter sleeping pills, I’m back to a regular pattern of sleep. Mix a bad sleep pattern with seasonal depression and you get a non-social and very moody person. I’ve dealt with depression since I was a teenager but didn’t know that’s what it was until a doctor gave me a diagnosis after my divorce in 1999. She prescribed Paxil and after a few months of taking the pill regularly, my gray became colorful. She asked me how I was feeling and I remember telling her it was like I woke up from decades of sleep.
In 2003 I stopped taking the antidepressants, with my doctor’s approval, and have learned to manage it well. The seasonal depression is normal and most folks experience it during the long months of Winter. I know the difference between winter blues and sliding into the gray depths of depression. It helps that my marriage in 2004 to my best friend was a complete change from my previous marriage. This marriage is based on mutual trust and friendship, I have a partner in every aspect of life. It’s everything I ever wanted. We often comment on how solid our relationship is considering how screwed up childhoods were. And we even got all three sons on solid ground.
My faith in God also helps me to steer clear of the gray. It’s a child’s faith. A faith that believes the Lord has always got my back no matter what. Nothing can separate us from the love of God. Nothing. Believing that took a long time because I thought “How could God love me after everything I’ve screwed up in my life?” But one day when I was thinking about the things I screwed up, He flipped the picture in my mind. Instead of seeing my screw-ups, I saw how He carried me and protected me even though I made poor decisions. Talk about an epiphany.
